Isn't it funny how some people just... simply use you? When they don't need you anymore, you never see them around. Or talk to them for the matter. nothing. because now that their problem is over and they can stand on their own feet again, you don't matter anymore. they act as if they don't even know you anymore. as if you've never spent any time together just hanging out or having a good chat.

One way friendships bug the shit out of me. I'd rather have someone tell me what they want .. or that they really just don't give a flying fuck about me because I wouldn't let myself care as much as I do.... and it'd just really save me so much pain. But really, fuck it. No one should put up with such thing. And no one who uses you should get a second chance. No... because they're gonna screw you over again. And that should say a lot coming from me because I'm always giving people more chances so they can prove me wrong, and I'm always oh so fucking nice. I wish I was rude and that I just didn't care about some people. But like my dad once said in his email to me (I still have it because I always read it at times like these):

"I know very well what it means to lose a friend... I've lost many in my path, and every single time I've asked myself: am I the only one who cares? The answer is no: I'm not the only one. There's a lot of people out there who really care, no matter what, and one of them, is you. I'm afraid this trait of you will never really change: I know it hurts, but if you're a person that learns to care for people and are coherent with yourself, you can't change, you can't become someone you're not just to avoid being hurt."

fuck. why did he have to be right? I hate reading that because I know its true and I wish it weren't. fuck. this whole thing just really got to me after what a so called friend did to Steph. She said in her journal:

"I wish I wasn't like this. I wish I was a cold hearted bitch so people wouldn't hurt me. But I'm not and I will never be. This is me and I'm not going to change. Maybe I'll always be the one who is giving people chances and being there for them even when they treat me like shat. I will put up with it just to save our friendship and because I freakin care. And when everything is over, I will be heartbroken even though I won't be surprised cause of what has just happened because I knew it'd happen one day. But that won't make me feel less hurt. Because the whole time I had probably been hoping that things wouldn't turn out the way they did. And I'll end up just where I am right now. Crying to my boyfriend about a friendship that probably didn't mean a thing to the other person. But that's okay. I know I did everything I could. And I also know that just because you're grown up and moved out doesn't mean you should forget your past. Starting over doesn't mean leaving people behind".

And she's so right. Change doesn't include friends. Just because you change doesn't mean you have to change friends too. because friends are forever. And fuck you too if you take friendships for granted and if you try to sound like someone you're not.

I hate this whole thing. Seeing my girlfriend cry isn't exactly something I enjoy. I know she still cares for her so called friend but I really wish someone does to her what she did to my girlfriend. Just so she'll know how much it hurts to be betrayed after giving your all to something. Because I know how it feels and I never wanted my girlfriend to feel like this one day. I really wish I could take all the pain away from her.

And God... I love her. Is it weird that this whole thing just makes me fall in love with her even more?

mixtapes and memories